In Affliction - Child, Abide in Christ

"...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit." John 15:2, ESV 

"...He cleanses and repeatedly prunes every branch that continues to bear fruit, to make it bear more and richer and more excellent fruit." - John 15:2, AMP 

"...And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken." - John 15:2, MSG

"Dear Christian, in affliction abide in Christ. When you see it coming, meet it in Christ; when it is come, feel that you are more in Christ than in it, for He is nearer to you than affliction ever can be; when it is passing, still abide in Him. And let the one thought of the Saviour, as He speaks of the pruning, be yours too: 'Every branch that beareth fruit, He purgeth, that it may bring forth more fruit.'

So shall your times of affliction become your times of choicest blessing - preparation for the richest fruitfulness. Led into closer fellowship with the Son of God and deeper experience of His love and grace - established in the blessed confidence that He and you entirely belong to each other - more completely satisfied with Him and more wholly given up to Him than ever before, with your own will crucified afresh and the heart brought into deeper harmony with God's will - you shall be a vessel cleansed, meet for the Master's use, prepared for every good work.  True believer, O try to learn the blessed truth that in affliction your first, your only, your blessed calling is to abide in Christ! Be much with Him alone...Let Jesus Christ Himself be your chief companion and comforter. Delight yourself in the assurance that closer union with Him, and more abundant fruit through Him, are sure to be the results of trial, because it is the Gardener Himself who is doing the pruning, and He will ensure the fulfillment of the desire of the soul that yields itself lovingly to His work." - Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ*

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Oh Lord, thank you for this comfort. It stings, while I feel your embrace. I long for the day You & I and us, Your bride, the Church, will be completely and fully in deepest communion ("a close relationship, an act of intimate sharing, receiving, intimate fellowship, rapport, common faith") and harmony ("an interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative").

Oh Lord, that we would be Yours in the deepest possible way for this moment...while anticipating with expectant hope for much more. Oh Lord, I wish I did not have to wait. This must be the deepest possible tension of waiting I will ever know. To have You deeply while longing & wanting for so much more...knowing and expecting ultimate oneness that I will experience with You & with my family, Your bride, the Church.

Everything I am is Yours,

while the FRUITION of that statement (my sanctification) involves death - your death on the cross, your resurrection, your conquer of death, your offer of new life - Your Holy Spirit given, my life blood, my all, the one and only true vine.  His cross is continuously relevant to me.

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*This book, Abide in Christ, this author, Andrew Murray, I cannot recommend highly enough. It has been the book I have been reading for years, alongside God's Word. It has been balm, counsel, & help to my soul - and has helped me turn more deeply & fully to God's Word for God Himself.  Murray has helped reorient my heart time & again - has truly pastored me for years now & I am certain for years to come.

Minimizing Suffering

"My story is not as bad as theirs."

"It could be worse."

"It really was not that bad."

"It’s over, so why talk about it?"

One of the common ways we respond to pain (ours or others’) is by attempting to make it small by minimizing the way we talk, think, or even feel about real events in our lives. I speak not as a self-made expert, but more as a grace-drenched hypocrite.

I often respond to my own story by trying to avoid or minimize my suffering (past, current, future). I have learned to do this quite naturally; it takes very little effort for me to say, “Everything is going well” or to share, in a brief recap, how I am working through or have worked through deep hurts or struggles. It feels shallow and distant, but safe. To share how I am presently suffering or struggling and without solution is a whole other story. To talk about past pain in a way that is not resolved gives me a headache and feels very vulnerable and risky. I do this as if it were unnatural to suffer.

Is it unnatural to suffer? Does a baby not first cry when emerging from the womb? Does God not come to heal the sick (Matthew 9:12-13), restore the broken (Isaiah 61), bring sight to the blind (Matthew 11:4-6), adopt lost/rebellious children (Romans 8:15, Ephesians 1:5), welcome the wayward (Luke 15:11-32), give abundant life (John 10:9-11), bring good news to the poor, wipe every tear (Revelation 21:4), set the prisoner free (Psalm 146:7)? It may feel unnatural to suffer, but the reality is that suffering is something we are all very familiar with. This familiarity taps into what draws my heart so deeply to Isaiah 61:

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations. - Isaiah 61:1-4

Do these verses not tap into something deep within your soul?! Over and over the Bible does not belittle, leave out, or minimize suffering. God’s Word is not at all silent on suffering and speaks freely about pain, broken relationships, suffering, disease, illness, pride, poverty, isolation, oppression, and sin. Jesus boldly and freely declares His intentions to heal, free, and restore. By minimizing the suffering and pain in our stories, we widen our deepest wound - separation from God. We also deepen our isolation from others. He offers deep restoration and healing that responds to pain – fully and authentically. He offers a way that does not require deceiving ourselves or others through minimization. He offers hope that inclines our hearts to believe that we are not as hopeless or as enslaved or as “too far gone” as we may think.

How do we live in the reality of our deep need for God and others over self-reliance? It will take boldness to be vulnerable and courage to have hope. We will need a dose (even just a mustard-seed’s worth!) of faith in Jesus Christ, which we can ask Him for. We will risk exposure, but in the risk, God responds, and He will, no doubt, invite you and others to do the same. He may invite you to turn from sin or to reject sinful responses to suffering (in yourself or others). He will probably expose lies you have believed and use others to give sight where you have been blind. He will want to go to your deepest hurts and He will surely invite you to new life.

"I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” – John 10:9-11

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Some questions that can help us begin the process of really looking and talking honestly about our suffering:

What would it look like for me to be honest in my suffering (past, present, future)?

What am I covering up in my heart by denying or minimizing my suffering?

How might God respond to my pain; what might He be calling me to in my suffering?

Who might I be able to invite into my story?

Originally written for karishouse.org

The rocks cry out and I keep my heart tucked away in a million journals...

I love to write...I have written enough to fill many books...yet I have not written near as much as I probably would want to had I sat down and wrote more regularly!  And where is all this that I have written??  Tucked away in a million journals...collecting dust.  Jesus told the Pharisees when they were making a big deal about His disciples praising Him like crazy, "I tell you, if they are silent, the very stones would cry out." - Luke 19:40

For the last several months I had a recurring health issue...one that goes away just to come back a week or two later.  Hundreds of dollars, many doctor visits, different drugs, pain/discomfort, and several key changes to my lifestyle later, I am **hoping** to be clear of the issue!  At first it was a major hit each time the symptoms returned, and was very disheartening...but this next journal (shared exactly as it was originally written) I wrote right after the symptoms returned for probably the 4th or 5th time.

------written 4/14/2013-----
It's odd...I seem to be in a better place lately when I come down with another infection.  It's probably all the prayers - thank you Lord for friends and family.  I think there is also an element of spiritual readiness that comes with it too - a "this seems like an obvious attack from satan, so I will love and trust God even more" attitude.  I don't ever want to be in a similar place as when I struggled so deeply under significant spiritual attack a couple years ago.  I want always to trust, follow, and obey my good Father.  I want my heart and mind to be set on Him --- so when the health stuff comes up now, it's like - "get ready. get the armor on. and get in the battle - er, truly VICTORY mindset." Because no matter what comes - my Father and Holy Husband is God, the Creator of me, you, this whole world, and even satan himself (I know...that brings up a lot of questions - right?!)...but because of who He is and also what He has done (which has maintained and affirmed who He is (i.e., righteous, glorious, sovereign, merciful, etc, etc!)), He is totally victorious.  And He has a plan.  And He wants me.  He is in me.  He is fighting for Himself through my life...not that He has to do ANYthing other than just be since He is God --- Holy, mighty, all sufficient.  But He has linked Himself with me - lil ole' me - God decided to make me and then seal me with His Spirit, causing me to cry out and to know deep meaning to "Perfect Father," "my Husband is King"...I have a perfect and very good Father and my Husband is King of the Universe --- not only is He King, but also Creator.  There is not one thing that I experience that does not have to fit in His plan and His intention, for His world.  There is nothing surprising here to my Father.  He knows...He cares....He is at work.  I can walk and live confidently in Who He is. My life is not haphazardly lived and truly is not fully (or even close to fully) in my hands...I have an intimate GOD who is totally victorious, loves me, and calls me DAUGHTER & bride too!  I am His bride!  He is taking my filthy rags and exchanging them with "fine linen, bright and pure" (Rev 19:8) - He is preparing me now.  He knows that I am, indeed, a prostitute...a whore who continuously turns her face...but He wants us anyway...He wants to see the whore become His beautiful bride.  Revelation 19:13 ---> Oh Word of God, with your many crowns, make my life cry out Your name - Oh King of kings and Lord of lords!  Do not contain yourself!

Father, please convict and lead my soul away from any and all evil, within and without.  Please Lord, fill me to the overflow...please use this life to Your glory, and please, oh Lord, come soon!

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As he was drawing near—already on the way down the Mount of Olives—the whole multitude of his disciples began to rejoice and praise God with a loud voice for all the mighty works that they had seen, saying, “Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!” - Luke 19:37-38

Let these Grace-Crushed Bones Rejoice

Paul Tripp has written a bit on something he calls "violent grace"...a brief snapshot:

"You see, we all have a perverse capacity to be comfortable with what God says is wrong. So God blesses us with violent, uncomfortable grace. Yes, He really does love us enough to crush us, so that we would feel the pain of our sin and run to Him for forgiveness and deliverance.

David says in Psalm 51:8, “Let the bones You have crushed rejoice." It's a curious phrase. Crushed bones and rejoicing don't seem to go together. You wouldn't say, "Hooray, I have a broken bone!" But that's very close to what David is saying. He's using the searing pain of broken bones as a metaphor of the pain of heart that you feel when you really see your sin for what it is. That pain is a good thing!

Think about it. The physical pain of an actual broken bone is worth being thankful for because it's a warning sign something is wrong in that arm or leg. In the same way, God's loving hammer of conviction is meant to break your heart and the pain of heart you feel is meant to alert you to the fact that something is spiritually wrong inside of you. Like the warning signal of physical pain, the rescuing and restoring pain of convicting grace is a thing worth celebrating!

So God's grace isn't always comfortable because He isn't primarily working on our comfort - He's working on our character. With violent grace He will crush us because He loves us and is committed to our restoration, deliverance, and refinement. And that is something worth celebrating!"

Reflections on "Violent grace"...November 2012

It's been grace all along.  The Lord has been surpassingly good to me.  The violence in the grace has truly been in my reaction to His command to trust and follow Him.  Trusting and following Him has always been a grace when experienced and has truly never let me down.  My reaction to this command is where the punches start.

With my struggles in fear - there has never been anything that has happened to cause me to fear like I do - GRACE. I still struggle with fear more often than not --- and God meets me there. GRACE. I have created the disaster that makes up most of my struggles --- and God is redeeming them. GRACE. My frequent thought - "I wouldn't have this problem in the first place...if I just trusted Him to care for me" and, somehow, through it all, we (God & I) are even closer and He is strengthening my "trust-Him" muscles. GRACE. I create challenges --- He redeems my heart and brings me closer to Himself, while revealing to me more of Himself and His Word. GRACE.

Psalm 51:8 "Let the bones you have crushed rejoice"

My bones, on their own, cannot take You, Oh God - You are far too great, too powerful, too grand for my wee-bones to stand.

My first birth did not set me up to stand before a fearfully wonderful God.  I was set for death since the very beginning: violent grace.  And everything within me KNOWS it - violent grace!

All the strivings...all were/are flavors of death...but You made them cravings for LIFE: violent grace.

My second birth came when I was devastated by my "first life"...every devastating hole You said You could fill...fill to the overflow: I get to have You. Violent. GRACE.  It's better than a solution.  I get to have You.

My bones were not made to be sufficient on their own.

I use to think they could be...I could try harder, do better.  I could train and get stronger.  But my bones were not made to be sufficient on their own.  What crushed them is that I thought they could be sufficient.  I gave them weight they could not bear.  I was not made to be separate from You, God.  What crushes me is these bones. Violent Grace. You gave me bones that I cannot depend on!  Violent Grace. My bones were not made to be sufficient on their own.  I was not made to be separate from God. Violent grace. I cannot depend on myself, and this is how You created me - I am in desperate need for You...and You are exactly who I need most.

Violent Grace.

Psalm 51:8 "Let the bones you have crushed rejoice"

You don't have power. God has POWER.

Although I do not often write here - I think to sometimes. And I've been thinking lately, that if I'm going to write more again, than I probably am going to write differently than before. A lot has changed; I have changed. So, perhaps my writing will change. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write for so long now...I haven't been able to write like I always have and so I gave up on trying. I feel like it is time to let the thoughts loose...they do not have to look the same anymore...I can write, even here, when pretty bows and clean lines are MIA. So get ready...an unleashing is on its way!

So...these thoughts today were spurred on by a sermon by Steve Mizel of Trailhead church. He spoke on power and control, and it began a conversation between me and my Father, God, and Savior, that I think has really led me to a place of worship and awe of God. So here goes!

I have recently realized that I am a closet power person. It may not be as outwardly obvious & probably most would not say so, but as I look at my heart and what it desires and what has caused great disappointment and deep strongholds...has a strong connection to me having power in my life. And really, the last year or so I have really felt powerless in my life, and I think that is part of what has led me to some deep and persistent sadness and apathy of life. And I think it has to do with the fact that I can't have this idol of power right now! How sad that I have put so much hope in something apart from God! And look how disappointing my idol was!

While Steve preached, I began to realize this issue of power and the ways it has motivated different areas of my life, how it has reigned over my emotions, and how not having it has made me want to give up completely. I began to see how I react to lacking power in my life with anger, instability, hopelessness, giving up, blocking out (emotion), and putting on a "front," but I am actually angry...cause I can't have power!

For me, I might gain some insight if I begin to notice when I begin reacting in the ways listed above and ask simple questions like, Where have I lost power? Where am I craving power/influence or thinking about re-gaining power? Historically, the plans to regain power have been elaborate - and total flops!

As I continued thinking about this recent time in my life when I have completely lacked power in my life, God helped me see, very clearly, how it has been a miraculous benefit to me that I have really lost a lot of my perceived power in my life! Lacking power meant that a relationship that seemed impossible, could be mended in the most beautiful of ways. Lacking power means hope in what seemed to be the most hopeless area of my life. And as for a powerless life - this means I can walk (or really dive) into a desperate & strong reliance on God...which sounds like freedom from so many of the chains I've given myself!! A miracle! Oh, I have been praying for miracles....and He is supplying them while I have been sitting and wondering where He was & what kind of God He was! Ahhhhhh - He is this kind of God...the kind of God that is working miracles while I was sitting in a pitiful pit of MUD, depressed and feeling like I was falling apart, all while God continued His active commitment to making Himself great...even in this ole' life!

And I came to realize, if I don't NEED power in life like I thought I did, I can actually have hope.

Oh God. You are inviting me out of my need for power and into freedom in Your sovereignty. I FEEL YOU. Ah. You have power. And it is truly great. You are God over this life...no matter how drenched in sin and doubt. I am Yours - signed and sealed and YOU have power and You are powerfully exercising it over this ole' life - wow.

You doubtful girl - hear this NOW.

Psalm 145:3 "Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable."

Hear it girl, it is TRUE.

God protects us by not letting us be in control, in power - and this reminds me of the power of this truth in my own life and some of the most powerful ways that God has been sovereign and intervened in my life!

God is SO in control even in the suffering or pain....but I think much of my "pain" has been simply (and yet not to be taken lightly) my sinful disagreement with a Holy, righteous, good, powerful God.

Resting in Him, He whose power is so great, there, in that freedom, we have power (in the freedom to rest in Christ).

Free = truth = you have no control or power; you are a slave to your flesh, and God is in His right place as you as His chosen servant, child, creation.

Me: Oh Lord, I want to be me again.
Him: (as He patiently keeps reminding me), you are only "you" with ME.
Me: Thank you for fighting for us. Thank you for not letting me get away...can we be together now (hand in hand)?
Him: That is kinda up to you.
Me: I am in love with You. I can't get away from it.

God is relentlessly pursuing me...and no matter how far away I get myself from Him, I cannot help myself but to be absolutely fallen in love with Him, no matter what...this does not (at all - as is clear) speak to how good I am at loving or following Him - but points directly to the object of my love - that which is infinitely holy, right, good, powerful, and BEST - no matter how many other gods I consider, I find myself helplessly head over heels for the only True Husband Father God. Thank God this is true of Him.

No Place I'd rather be 

No Place I'd rather be 

No place I'd rather be 

Than here in Your love, 

Here in Your love 

Set a fire down in my soul 

That I cant contain that I cant control 

I want more of You God 

I want more of You God

"That’s how God is now making futility serve you. The subjector is becoming the subjected. Futility is now fueling your hunger for freedom." - Jon Bloom

As a Child

Below was written in January 2011 - I have currently stepped out of the counseling field for a bit, but wrote this while in the thick of this weighty work - the stories & individuals behind those stories are still very close to my heart, as the experience changed my life & showed me gospel love, community, and God in a whole new light.  Similar thoughts have been on my mind lately...if I can catch any of the millions of thoughts that overflow my brain these days, you will see more on this again!

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"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me." – Mark 9:37

I work with individuals, mostly women, who have experienced extreme trauma.  The stories I hear are the worst of the worst; I could not imagine it possible to hear stories that are more horrible and evil than the stories of the evil these women have experienced.  I have become so aware of the evil in this world, but with that, very aware of God’s power over evil, which has been powerful for my own perception of and relationship to the God who saves, grows, and perfects me through Christ Jesus’ sufferings on my account and defeat of death through the resurrection.

It is only through Him that I am able to do the work that I do, and because of Him, I am not overly preoccupied/overwhelmed by clients’ stories, but there are moments when their stories come to mind…usually when I am at church.  This happened a couple weeks ago.  I was sitting in church and suddenly, clients’ stories of trauma began going through my mind.  I had visions of each one, and I began to feel sadness as I watched the abuse endured by young, innocent children play out in my mind.  Then suddenly, right in that very moment, I had a strong desire to hold and spend time with a baby.  And to my surprise and appreciation, after church, a young mother caught my eye and offered for me to hold her baby!

I got some wonderful time with her sweet precious baby girl.  We walked around the church, stole away to the nursery, we exchanged lovely smiles and laughed together, we danced, and we enjoyed one another’s company.  After our sweet time together, this sweet baby girl decided to just lay her head down and curl up on my shoulder and fell right asleep!  I treasured each moment as I held her close in my arms and she slept peacefully.  I felt so loved by God, knowing I had desired this time and felt He had given it to me.

The following day, everything came full circle, as this moment was clearly being turned into more than just a blessing, but also a teaching moment.  As I continued reading in a book I had been reading, I came across texts like, “humility is also like a child at rest in his father’s arms (John Piper),” humility is like a child, not childlike as though it is sweet and easy, but childlike that is powerless and absolutely dependent (Piper – my paraphrase), and “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me (Mark 9:37)” 

And these texts were so sweet to me knowing that, immediately, as I felt sadness and in touch with some of the horror and evil in the world, I desired to be close to a baby…to receive Jesus and the Father (Mark 9:37) and to experience the humility, powerlessness, and dependency of a child asleep in my arms.  And to feel and be reminded of the comfort, joy, and stretching pain in the smallness of curling up in my Father’s arms and resting.  Oh how it feels to be painfully small while resting in the great arms of a powerful and absolutely trustworthy Father!

Snapshots: Incomparable

"So if it seems that there are going to be some temporary losses when you run this race with Jesus, you are right. That is why Jesus said to count the cost (Luke 14:25-33) before you sign on. But the marathon of the Christian life is not mainly loss. It is mainly gain. "For the joy that was set before him he endured the cross." It is only a matter of timing. If you see things with the eyes of God, there is a vapor's breath of loss and pain, and then everlasting joy (2 Corinthians 4:17)....the sufferings of this present age are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed to the children of God (Romans 8:18). So let us lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with Jesus." - Piper