A Prayer of Resignation and Hope before a Relentless God

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,
“In repentance (or returning) and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” - Isaiah 30:15

God, I am so prideful.  I have been prideful, judgmental, protective, and entitled.  You invite me to rest and repentance...to TRUST.  To belief in Your promises...in Your faithfulness.

-- Thank you -- Thank you -- Thank you -- Thank you --

Thank You that You do not follow me and my will and my whims and my emotions.  Thank you Jesus for being relentless about Your way and about giving me more of You through any and all means possible.  Thank you Jesus for having Your eternal vision and Your deeper plan.  Thank You for Your response to the depths of my soul, the deep longings for You, for justice, for unity, and (here comes the whopper) the longing to be able to love as You have called me to over and over to in Your Word and to receive the love You have for us in You and others.  This is to Your GLORY and it is displayed in unimaginable, un-plannable, mysterious ways.  May our hearts tremble and rest as we experience Your presence and are before You.

Sanctification: Fear and Anxiety

Fear -

You cannot be my god.  I have lived for you for far too long.  God is so good in that He has been relentless about dethroning you.  You cannot reign in my life.  You are not allowed to claim my identity, my freedom to live the life God has given me, my relationships, and most of all, you do not get to be elevated over true belief in my Almighty God and Father.  God knows how to use you for His glory and I pray that all my fear would always be used for God's glory.  Every last bit, every single moment of fear, may it only bring me into closer dependence on my Father, make me more eager to declare my God as GOD & bring me to run to Him for relief and the re-writing of my theological beliefs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CGex2YgCrU

Whiter Than Snow -

Today has brought a snow blizzard that I have never seen the likes of! I look out my window and almost only see white! I spent the morning sitting on the hot water radiator in my bedroom (aka, my "window seat" - not only a great view, but warm too!) and began to wonder - "in what ways does this snow tell me more about God or point me to Himself?" I am sure there are many implications of this question, but this is what I sat with as I searched God's Word:

In David's infamous psalm of repentance, Psalm 51:

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones that you have broken rejoice. - Psalm 51:7-8

In the beginning of Isaiah, after describing the very sad lost state of God's people (we are so familiar with this state of being, as we commonly share in it, are we not?):

"Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord:

though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red like crimson,

they shall become like wool." - Isaiah 1:18

In Daniel, as Daniel has a vision of God & His appearance:

"... and the Ancient of Days took his seat; his clothing was white as snow,

and the hair of his head like pure wool..." - Daniel 7:9

And again in Isaiah,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

“For you shall go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

shall break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.**

Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;

instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;

and it shall make a name for the Lord,

an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.” - Isaiah 55:8-13

**Danielle, remember the day we shouted these out into the valleys? Let's keep doing that.**

Wow. Here we see snow being used to paint a picture of something glorious...to lift our gaze to something far beyond our own workmanship, a beautiful picture of God's purposes, as snow is used to describe the clothing of God, the cleansing He offers to us too, and the new robes we will wear because of Him. Snow and its white-ness points us to think about the cleansing and purity we are invited to.

This life is not too broken for Him.

He is fully able to make me, wash me, and make me whiter than snow...my clothing will be like His...moreover, my heart and soul will be and is being made like His. I am so tempted to side with brokenness, to give in to despair and doubt, but He is able to make these broken bones rejoice! My God knows exactly what to do with broken bones, big doubts, crimson sin, and with a

child eager to be reclothed as His Daughter or Son!

As we face a whole lot of snow right now, may it incline our hearts to be filled with the words that many daughters and sons have long sung before us in age-old hymns like "Jesus Paid it All" and "Nothing but the Blood" - as our world fills with snow, may our hearts flood in song!

*click the picture to see the lyrics

Truth

"Truth is not rightly known if it does not result in the worship of God." - Michael Snetzer

"All truth exists to make God known, loved, shown." - John Piper

Why is worship absolutely crucial in dreaming about a treatment center?  Because walking in faith that Jesus does heal the brokenhearted means that worship is going to be happening...not just as a preventative measure or an equipping tool (though I'd argue that it is these as well, in the army of God, as we face spiritual warfare)...but because when the truth of God and His grace in Jesus is miraculously heard and experienced by a soul that has only lived in death...worship is the response.  We envision worship because we envision that souls are going to long to worship Jesus.

His glory appears...

I think I have a problem (many actually! ha!) because I have been listening to this song on repeat since Wednesday. It’s so peaceful & grounding.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiJNQaCYmaA

I love how it talks about my hope found at/around a shameful/awful/deadly cross…because of His incredible glory, He takes what is disgraceful, resurrects, and saves my life. And then how it transitions into awe of how glorious He is…in our life, in the earth, in the celestial, it’s awe-provoking, hard to not get on your knees.

Makes me think of this psalm too.

I also love that it talks about angels…did you know that the Bible talks about there being myriads and myriads, legions upon legions (like in an army), and thousands and thousands and thousands of angels…even says that there are too many to count (“innumerable”). The Bible talks about how they protect…but also their worship and nearness to God. I do not say this to elevate angels, but truly to say that we are in good company!! One of my favorite things to do when I am singing alone or at church is to imagine the thousands and thousands and myriads and myriads, and legions and legions of angels that I am currently singing of God’s glory with….truly, it’s hard to feel alone when you think of it that way. And MAN, I CANNOT WAIT to hear our chorus when we are all completely together with all the angels, with all creation, singing the glory of God – can you even imagine the sound of it!??! Oh my gosh!!

The rocks cry out and I keep my heart tucked away in a million journals...

I love to write...I have written enough to fill many books...yet I have not written near as much as I probably would want to had I sat down and wrote more regularly!  And where is all this that I have written??  Tucked away in a million journals...collecting dust.  Jesus told the Pharisees when they were making a big deal about His disciples praising Him like crazy, "I tell you, if they are silent, the very stones would cry out." - Luke 19:40

For the last several months I had a recurring health issue...one that goes away just to come back a week or two later.  Hundreds of dollars, many doctor visits, different drugs, pain/discomfort, and several key changes to my lifestyle later, I am **hoping** to be clear of the issue!  At first it was a major hit each time the symptoms returned, and was very disheartening...but this next journal (shared exactly as it was originally written) I wrote right after the symptoms returned for probably the 4th or 5th time.

------written 4/14/2013-----
It's odd...I seem to be in a better place lately when I come down with another infection.  It's probably all the prayers - thank you Lord for friends and family.  I think there is also an element of spiritual readiness that comes with it too - a "this seems like an obvious attack from satan, so I will love and trust God even more" attitude.  I don't ever want to be in a similar place as when I struggled so deeply under significant spiritual attack a couple years ago.  I want always to trust, follow, and obey my good Father.  I want my heart and mind to be set on Him --- so when the health stuff comes up now, it's like - "get ready. get the armor on. and get in the battle - er, truly VICTORY mindset." Because no matter what comes - my Father and Holy Husband is God, the Creator of me, you, this whole world, and even satan himself (I know...that brings up a lot of questions - right?!)...but because of who He is and also what He has done (which has maintained and affirmed who He is (i.e., righteous, glorious, sovereign, merciful, etc, etc!)), He is totally victorious.  And He has a plan.  And He wants me.  He is in me.  He is fighting for Himself through my life...not that He has to do ANYthing other than just be since He is God --- Holy, mighty, all sufficient.  But He has linked Himself with me - lil ole' me - God decided to make me and then seal me with His Spirit, causing me to cry out and to know deep meaning to "Perfect Father," "my Husband is King"...I have a perfect and very good Father and my Husband is King of the Universe --- not only is He King, but also Creator.  There is not one thing that I experience that does not have to fit in His plan and His intention, for His world.  There is nothing surprising here to my Father.  He knows...He cares....He is at work.  I can walk and live confidently in Who He is. My life is not haphazardly lived and truly is not fully (or even close to fully) in my hands...I have an intimate GOD who is totally victorious, loves me, and calls me DAUGHTER & bride too!  I am His bride!  He is taking my filthy rags and exchanging them with "fine linen, bright and pure" (Rev 19:8) - He is preparing me now.  He knows that I am, indeed, a prostitute...a whore who continuously turns her face...but He wants us anyway...He wants to see the whore become His beautiful bride.  Revelation 19:13 ---> Oh Word of God, with your many crowns, make my life cry out Your name - Oh King of kings and Lord of lords!  Do not contain yourself!

Father, please convict and lead my soul away from any and all evil, within and without.  Please Lord, fill me to the overflow...please use this life to Your glory, and please, oh Lord, come soon!

----

As he was drawing near—already on the way down the Mount of Olives—the whole multitude of his disciples began to rejoice and praise God with a loud voice for all the mighty works that they had seen, saying, “Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!” - Luke 19:37-38

Engraved on the palms of His hands

"But, as it is written,“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,

nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”"
- 1 Corinthians 2:9

Jesus is holding my life....my Holy Husband, why must I insist to look elsewhere and pray for so much else, when I HAVE what is infinitely greater and best!?  Oh Lord, that I would only return to my Husband, for it was better for me then than now.  Lord, I love You; I don't want to look for someone/thing else.

Dear God, You give (freely) to your children...I must trust my Father, the Giver of good gifts.  I have no concern worth having...my Father rules in Heaven...and in my heart.  My love, oh Lord, is small, but Yours is GRAND and is already mine.  You will not forget this child, who is engraved on the palms of Your hands.

I take courage in Your promises, that are more true, more impactful, more everything than I can barely comprehend.

Lord - You blow my mind; please fill my heart...and may my hand be engraved also as to not forget my Lord & Husband.

You don't have power. God has POWER.

Although I do not often write here - I think to sometimes. And I've been thinking lately, that if I'm going to write more again, than I probably am going to write differently than before. A lot has changed; I have changed. So, perhaps my writing will change. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write for so long now...I haven't been able to write like I always have and so I gave up on trying. I feel like it is time to let the thoughts loose...they do not have to look the same anymore...I can write, even here, when pretty bows and clean lines are MIA. So get ready...an unleashing is on its way!

So...these thoughts today were spurred on by a sermon by Steve Mizel of Trailhead church. He spoke on power and control, and it began a conversation between me and my Father, God, and Savior, that I think has really led me to a place of worship and awe of God. So here goes!

I have recently realized that I am a closet power person. It may not be as outwardly obvious & probably most would not say so, but as I look at my heart and what it desires and what has caused great disappointment and deep strongholds...has a strong connection to me having power in my life. And really, the last year or so I have really felt powerless in my life, and I think that is part of what has led me to some deep and persistent sadness and apathy of life. And I think it has to do with the fact that I can't have this idol of power right now! How sad that I have put so much hope in something apart from God! And look how disappointing my idol was!

While Steve preached, I began to realize this issue of power and the ways it has motivated different areas of my life, how it has reigned over my emotions, and how not having it has made me want to give up completely. I began to see how I react to lacking power in my life with anger, instability, hopelessness, giving up, blocking out (emotion), and putting on a "front," but I am actually angry...cause I can't have power!

For me, I might gain some insight if I begin to notice when I begin reacting in the ways listed above and ask simple questions like, Where have I lost power? Where am I craving power/influence or thinking about re-gaining power? Historically, the plans to regain power have been elaborate - and total flops!

As I continued thinking about this recent time in my life when I have completely lacked power in my life, God helped me see, very clearly, how it has been a miraculous benefit to me that I have really lost a lot of my perceived power in my life! Lacking power meant that a relationship that seemed impossible, could be mended in the most beautiful of ways. Lacking power means hope in what seemed to be the most hopeless area of my life. And as for a powerless life - this means I can walk (or really dive) into a desperate & strong reliance on God...which sounds like freedom from so many of the chains I've given myself!! A miracle! Oh, I have been praying for miracles....and He is supplying them while I have been sitting and wondering where He was & what kind of God He was! Ahhhhhh - He is this kind of God...the kind of God that is working miracles while I was sitting in a pitiful pit of MUD, depressed and feeling like I was falling apart, all while God continued His active commitment to making Himself great...even in this ole' life!

And I came to realize, if I don't NEED power in life like I thought I did, I can actually have hope.

Oh God. You are inviting me out of my need for power and into freedom in Your sovereignty. I FEEL YOU. Ah. You have power. And it is truly great. You are God over this life...no matter how drenched in sin and doubt. I am Yours - signed and sealed and YOU have power and You are powerfully exercising it over this ole' life - wow.

You doubtful girl - hear this NOW.

Psalm 145:3 "Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable."

Hear it girl, it is TRUE.

God protects us by not letting us be in control, in power - and this reminds me of the power of this truth in my own life and some of the most powerful ways that God has been sovereign and intervened in my life!

God is SO in control even in the suffering or pain....but I think much of my "pain" has been simply (and yet not to be taken lightly) my sinful disagreement with a Holy, righteous, good, powerful God.

Resting in Him, He whose power is so great, there, in that freedom, we have power (in the freedom to rest in Christ).

Free = truth = you have no control or power; you are a slave to your flesh, and God is in His right place as you as His chosen servant, child, creation.

Me: Oh Lord, I want to be me again.
Him: (as He patiently keeps reminding me), you are only "you" with ME.
Me: Thank you for fighting for us. Thank you for not letting me get away...can we be together now (hand in hand)?
Him: That is kinda up to you.
Me: I am in love with You. I can't get away from it.

God is relentlessly pursuing me...and no matter how far away I get myself from Him, I cannot help myself but to be absolutely fallen in love with Him, no matter what...this does not (at all - as is clear) speak to how good I am at loving or following Him - but points directly to the object of my love - that which is infinitely holy, right, good, powerful, and BEST - no matter how many other gods I consider, I find myself helplessly head over heels for the only True Husband Father God. Thank God this is true of Him.

No Place I'd rather be 

No Place I'd rather be 

No place I'd rather be 

Than here in Your love, 

Here in Your love 

Set a fire down in my soul 

That I cant contain that I cant control 

I want more of You God 

I want more of You God

"That’s how God is now making futility serve you. The subjector is becoming the subjected. Futility is now fueling your hunger for freedom." - Jon Bloom