You don't have power. God has POWER.

Although I do not often write here - I think to sometimes. And I've been thinking lately, that if I'm going to write more again, than I probably am going to write differently than before. A lot has changed; I have changed. So, perhaps my writing will change. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write for so long now...I haven't been able to write like I always have and so I gave up on trying. I feel like it is time to let the thoughts loose...they do not have to look the same anymore...I can write, even here, when pretty bows and clean lines are MIA. So get ready...an unleashing is on its way!

So...these thoughts today were spurred on by a sermon by Steve Mizel of Trailhead church. He spoke on power and control, and it began a conversation between me and my Father, God, and Savior, that I think has really led me to a place of worship and awe of God. So here goes!

I have recently realized that I am a closet power person. It may not be as outwardly obvious & probably most would not say so, but as I look at my heart and what it desires and what has caused great disappointment and deep strongholds...has a strong connection to me having power in my life. And really, the last year or so I have really felt powerless in my life, and I think that is part of what has led me to some deep and persistent sadness and apathy of life. And I think it has to do with the fact that I can't have this idol of power right now! How sad that I have put so much hope in something apart from God! And look how disappointing my idol was!

While Steve preached, I began to realize this issue of power and the ways it has motivated different areas of my life, how it has reigned over my emotions, and how not having it has made me want to give up completely. I began to see how I react to lacking power in my life with anger, instability, hopelessness, giving up, blocking out (emotion), and putting on a "front," but I am actually angry...cause I can't have power!

For me, I might gain some insight if I begin to notice when I begin reacting in the ways listed above and ask simple questions like, Where have I lost power? Where am I craving power/influence or thinking about re-gaining power? Historically, the plans to regain power have been elaborate - and total flops!

As I continued thinking about this recent time in my life when I have completely lacked power in my life, God helped me see, very clearly, how it has been a miraculous benefit to me that I have really lost a lot of my perceived power in my life! Lacking power meant that a relationship that seemed impossible, could be mended in the most beautiful of ways. Lacking power means hope in what seemed to be the most hopeless area of my life. And as for a powerless life - this means I can walk (or really dive) into a desperate & strong reliance on God...which sounds like freedom from so many of the chains I've given myself!! A miracle! Oh, I have been praying for miracles....and He is supplying them while I have been sitting and wondering where He was & what kind of God He was! Ahhhhhh - He is this kind of God...the kind of God that is working miracles while I was sitting in a pitiful pit of MUD, depressed and feeling like I was falling apart, all while God continued His active commitment to making Himself great...even in this ole' life!

And I came to realize, if I don't NEED power in life like I thought I did, I can actually have hope.

Oh God. You are inviting me out of my need for power and into freedom in Your sovereignty. I FEEL YOU. Ah. You have power. And it is truly great. You are God over this life...no matter how drenched in sin and doubt. I am Yours - signed and sealed and YOU have power and You are powerfully exercising it over this ole' life - wow.

You doubtful girl - hear this NOW.

Psalm 145:3 "Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable."

Hear it girl, it is TRUE.

God protects us by not letting us be in control, in power - and this reminds me of the power of this truth in my own life and some of the most powerful ways that God has been sovereign and intervened in my life!

God is SO in control even in the suffering or pain....but I think much of my "pain" has been simply (and yet not to be taken lightly) my sinful disagreement with a Holy, righteous, good, powerful God.

Resting in Him, He whose power is so great, there, in that freedom, we have power (in the freedom to rest in Christ).

Free = truth = you have no control or power; you are a slave to your flesh, and God is in His right place as you as His chosen servant, child, creation.

Me: Oh Lord, I want to be me again.
Him: (as He patiently keeps reminding me), you are only "you" with ME.
Me: Thank you for fighting for us. Thank you for not letting me get away...can we be together now (hand in hand)?
Him: That is kinda up to you.
Me: I am in love with You. I can't get away from it.

God is relentlessly pursuing me...and no matter how far away I get myself from Him, I cannot help myself but to be absolutely fallen in love with Him, no matter what...this does not (at all - as is clear) speak to how good I am at loving or following Him - but points directly to the object of my love - that which is infinitely holy, right, good, powerful, and BEST - no matter how many other gods I consider, I find myself helplessly head over heels for the only True Husband Father God. Thank God this is true of Him.

No Place I'd rather be 

No Place I'd rather be 

No place I'd rather be 

Than here in Your love, 

Here in Your love 

Set a fire down in my soul 

That I cant contain that I cant control 

I want more of You God 

I want more of You God