You don't have power. God has POWER.

Although I do not often write here - I think to sometimes. And I've been thinking lately, that if I'm going to write more again, than I probably am going to write differently than before. A lot has changed; I have changed. So, perhaps my writing will change. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write for so long now...I haven't been able to write like I always have and so I gave up on trying. I feel like it is time to let the thoughts loose...they do not have to look the same anymore...I can write, even here, when pretty bows and clean lines are MIA. So get ready...an unleashing is on its way!

So...these thoughts today were spurred on by a sermon by Steve Mizel of Trailhead church. He spoke on power and control, and it began a conversation between me and my Father, God, and Savior, that I think has really led me to a place of worship and awe of God. So here goes!

I have recently realized that I am a closet power person. It may not be as outwardly obvious & probably most would not say so, but as I look at my heart and what it desires and what has caused great disappointment and deep strongholds...has a strong connection to me having power in my life. And really, the last year or so I have really felt powerless in my life, and I think that is part of what has led me to some deep and persistent sadness and apathy of life. And I think it has to do with the fact that I can't have this idol of power right now! How sad that I have put so much hope in something apart from God! And look how disappointing my idol was!

While Steve preached, I began to realize this issue of power and the ways it has motivated different areas of my life, how it has reigned over my emotions, and how not having it has made me want to give up completely. I began to see how I react to lacking power in my life with anger, instability, hopelessness, giving up, blocking out (emotion), and putting on a "front," but I am actually angry...cause I can't have power!

For me, I might gain some insight if I begin to notice when I begin reacting in the ways listed above and ask simple questions like, Where have I lost power? Where am I craving power/influence or thinking about re-gaining power? Historically, the plans to regain power have been elaborate - and total flops!

As I continued thinking about this recent time in my life when I have completely lacked power in my life, God helped me see, very clearly, how it has been a miraculous benefit to me that I have really lost a lot of my perceived power in my life! Lacking power meant that a relationship that seemed impossible, could be mended in the most beautiful of ways. Lacking power means hope in what seemed to be the most hopeless area of my life. And as for a powerless life - this means I can walk (or really dive) into a desperate & strong reliance on God...which sounds like freedom from so many of the chains I've given myself!! A miracle! Oh, I have been praying for miracles....and He is supplying them while I have been sitting and wondering where He was & what kind of God He was! Ahhhhhh - He is this kind of God...the kind of God that is working miracles while I was sitting in a pitiful pit of MUD, depressed and feeling like I was falling apart, all while God continued His active commitment to making Himself great...even in this ole' life!

And I came to realize, if I don't NEED power in life like I thought I did, I can actually have hope.

Oh God. You are inviting me out of my need for power and into freedom in Your sovereignty. I FEEL YOU. Ah. You have power. And it is truly great. You are God over this life...no matter how drenched in sin and doubt. I am Yours - signed and sealed and YOU have power and You are powerfully exercising it over this ole' life - wow.

You doubtful girl - hear this NOW.

Psalm 145:3 "Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable."

Hear it girl, it is TRUE.

God protects us by not letting us be in control, in power - and this reminds me of the power of this truth in my own life and some of the most powerful ways that God has been sovereign and intervened in my life!

God is SO in control even in the suffering or pain....but I think much of my "pain" has been simply (and yet not to be taken lightly) my sinful disagreement with a Holy, righteous, good, powerful God.

Resting in Him, He whose power is so great, there, in that freedom, we have power (in the freedom to rest in Christ).

Free = truth = you have no control or power; you are a slave to your flesh, and God is in His right place as you as His chosen servant, child, creation.

Me: Oh Lord, I want to be me again.
Him: (as He patiently keeps reminding me), you are only "you" with ME.
Me: Thank you for fighting for us. Thank you for not letting me get away...can we be together now (hand in hand)?
Him: That is kinda up to you.
Me: I am in love with You. I can't get away from it.

God is relentlessly pursuing me...and no matter how far away I get myself from Him, I cannot help myself but to be absolutely fallen in love with Him, no matter what...this does not (at all - as is clear) speak to how good I am at loving or following Him - but points directly to the object of my love - that which is infinitely holy, right, good, powerful, and BEST - no matter how many other gods I consider, I find myself helplessly head over heels for the only True Husband Father God. Thank God this is true of Him.

No Place I'd rather be 

No Place I'd rather be 

No place I'd rather be 

Than here in Your love, 

Here in Your love 

Set a fire down in my soul 

That I cant contain that I cant control 

I want more of You God 

I want more of You God

oh the glory of God

wow.  This sweet boy is the glory of God.  
Truly, you need to watch this.

"That’s how God is now making futility serve you. The subjector is becoming the subjected. Futility is now fueling your hunger for freedom." - Jon Bloom

An exchange of addictions...

"To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart" (A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God, p. 15). "Or as St. Bernard sang it:

"We taste Thee, O Thou Living Bread,
And long to feast upon Thee still:

We drink of Thee, the Fountainhead
And thirst our souls from Thee to fill."

Matthew Henry is right: "Wherever there is true grace there is a desire for more grace." When Paul said, "Don't be drunk with wine but be filled with the Holy Spirit" (Ephesians 5:18), his aim was to make God-aholics out of all believers. The Spirit is not deadening; he is addicting. The evidence that you have him is that you want more of him. Continued indifference to growth in grace is a sign of no grace." - John Piper

enjoy this sweet comfort of a lil song I stumbled upon just now!
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The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone (yeah oh oh)

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

'Cause when I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Ginny Owens - "If You Want Me To"

As a Child

Below was written in January 2011 - I have currently stepped out of the counseling field for a bit, but wrote this while in the thick of this weighty work - the stories & individuals behind those stories are still very close to my heart, as the experience changed my life & showed me gospel love, community, and God in a whole new light.  Similar thoughts have been on my mind lately...if I can catch any of the millions of thoughts that overflow my brain these days, you will see more on this again!

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"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me." – Mark 9:37

I work with individuals, mostly women, who have experienced extreme trauma.  The stories I hear are the worst of the worst; I could not imagine it possible to hear stories that are more horrible and evil than the stories of the evil these women have experienced.  I have become so aware of the evil in this world, but with that, very aware of God’s power over evil, which has been powerful for my own perception of and relationship to the God who saves, grows, and perfects me through Christ Jesus’ sufferings on my account and defeat of death through the resurrection.

It is only through Him that I am able to do the work that I do, and because of Him, I am not overly preoccupied/overwhelmed by clients’ stories, but there are moments when their stories come to mind…usually when I am at church.  This happened a couple weeks ago.  I was sitting in church and suddenly, clients’ stories of trauma began going through my mind.  I had visions of each one, and I began to feel sadness as I watched the abuse endured by young, innocent children play out in my mind.  Then suddenly, right in that very moment, I had a strong desire to hold and spend time with a baby.  And to my surprise and appreciation, after church, a young mother caught my eye and offered for me to hold her baby!

I got some wonderful time with her sweet precious baby girl.  We walked around the church, stole away to the nursery, we exchanged lovely smiles and laughed together, we danced, and we enjoyed one another’s company.  After our sweet time together, this sweet baby girl decided to just lay her head down and curl up on my shoulder and fell right asleep!  I treasured each moment as I held her close in my arms and she slept peacefully.  I felt so loved by God, knowing I had desired this time and felt He had given it to me.

The following day, everything came full circle, as this moment was clearly being turned into more than just a blessing, but also a teaching moment.  As I continued reading in a book I had been reading, I came across texts like, “humility is also like a child at rest in his father’s arms (John Piper),” humility is like a child, not childlike as though it is sweet and easy, but childlike that is powerless and absolutely dependent (Piper – my paraphrase), and “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me (Mark 9:37)” 

And these texts were so sweet to me knowing that, immediately, as I felt sadness and in touch with some of the horror and evil in the world, I desired to be close to a baby…to receive Jesus and the Father (Mark 9:37) and to experience the humility, powerlessness, and dependency of a child asleep in my arms.  And to feel and be reminded of the comfort, joy, and stretching pain in the smallness of curling up in my Father’s arms and resting.  Oh how it feels to be painfully small while resting in the great arms of a powerful and absolutely trustworthy Father!

Snapshots: "We don't need better salesmen. We need better messengers."

Been reading some really good stuff lately...decided to share some of my favorites on here. The quote below is from Steve Mizel's blog - I clipped my favorite parts, but do yourself a favor & read the whole thing on his site!
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"The gospel is an incredible message of what God did for us in Jesus' death and resurrection. And it is insanely beautiful. He took my shame, my sin, and my place in judgement so that I could stand with him in the fullness of his blessing. He was covered with my shame so that I could be covered with his glory. He was crushed as my substitute in judgment so that I could stand as his brother in blessing.

The gospel is simply and profoundly a message of what God has done to gain our victory - a victory we could never win for ourselves. It is the good news delivered to us so that we might believe and be saved immediately and absolutely from the penalty, progressively from the power, and ultimately from the presence of our sin. The gospel is a message of good news to be believed about God's commitment to us. It is not a request for commitment from us.

The gospel says, Stop trusting your ability to work up to God and take hold of God, and instead start trusting in what God has done to take hold of you.
...
Scripture is clear: we are saved by faith in the person and work of Jesus. Our goal as those who share the good news of Jesus should not be to get people to do something with the truth - it should be to persuade them to believe the truth. And just because we can get someone to want heaven or forgiveness or a better life doesn't mean we have persuaded them to trust completely in the person and work of Jesus.

We don't need better salesmen. We need better messengers. We have been entrusted the greatest message ever given to mankind, and it carries it's own power." - Steve Mizel, Trailhead Church